많은분들의 요청에 따라 <어느 새터민 자매님의 간증>을 영어로 번역하였습니다. 1.5세나 2세들에게도 <은혜동산>에 어떤 캔디데이트들이 올라와서 은혜를 받고 있는지... <은혜동산 사역>이 3박4일로 끝나는 단순한 Tres Dias 프로그램이 아니라 북녘땅 복음화를 위해 주님께서 한국땅에 보내주신 2만5천명의 미래사역자 새터민들을 일꾼으로 키워내는 주님의 원대한 계획의 한 부분임을 알리기 원합니다.
I was born and raised in North Korea during the period in which the country was burgeoning with economic stability. I was proud to be one of the finest products of the North Korean Communist regime. My lifeline solely consists of Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, and the Communist Party. After completing 11 years of the required general education, I received a bachelor’s degree in engineering and was living what I thought was a pretty meaningful life.
However, my life in the bubble came crashing down when I became 24 years old. North Koreans never had an opportunity to explore what self-reliance and autonomy meant; everything we owned were provided for us in the form of ration by the government. When the drought hit the country so hard that food was virtually nonexistent, death overcame North Korea.
I witnessed how people died after suffering starvation for just one week. People ate everything they could put their hands on including human meat and what used be animal feeds. Government sponsored demonstrations of how to extract corn roots for food were offered in factories. In Ham Heung human meat was put out on the market. In one incident while a woman went out to fetch some food for her family, her husband had killed their one-year old child for hunger. It was concluded that he was hallucinated, which was caused by extreme hunger and therefore did not know what he was doing at the time of such a hideous crime. After the man recovered and realized what he had done he turned himself into the authorities. Tragically such news often surfaced and had become a nuisance.
I also was forced to look for extreme measures to survive, not only for myself but also for my mother and my siblings. Government rations were suddenly halted. We had no other source of food available to us. Ultimately this prolonged period of treacherous droughts and starvation also took the life of my dear father in 1999.
Leaving my motherland to China was much easier said than done. However, deep in my heart I knew that I would die either way, whether starving to death or from getting caught on my way to China.
But what actually were waiting for me in China instead was human traffickers, ready to exploit vulnerable North Korean refugees such as myself. Initially I was transported to a remote village in Inner Mongolia. Fortunately from there I met another NK refugee with whom I was able to run away to Wang Chung. We ended up working in a farm without any compensation for six months and but could not last much longer. Every waking moment, we suffered from the discrimination from the natives and the anxiety from being fugitives.
In the midst of all this we found a church in Yun Gil. They provided us with money, a new place to live, and basic necessities to start a new life. We stayed there for 3 months but had to move again to Heilongjiang Province due to a heightened security against NK refugees in that area.
In Heilongjiang Province we enrolled in a bible reading class. When I saw other NK refugees who were repenting in tears, I did not understand what was happening to them. Here I learned about God by participating in bible reading and attending the morning services.
But my desire to return home with money for my family was much greater than the desire to stay and continue learning about God. Therefore I decided to leave Heilongjiang Province to Gil Rim with a single goal in mind: to make money. But only after a month later on July 25th, 2002, I was caught by the Chinese Secret Police and was deported back to NK. After being detained, interrogated, and re-educated for 3 months by the NK authorities, I was able to finally go home to my mother and my siblings. But what was more devastating than the nightmare I just woke up from was the reality that my family was still struggling to put each meal on the table.
After three days, I simply could not stay in bed any longer. This detrimental life in NK forced me to flee to China once again. Unfortunately, the guide was an undercover police for my second attempt to reach China. I was immediately detained in Gu Ryu Prison for 1 month of interrogation and was then sentenced for 6 months of prison time.
In November 6th 2003 I fled to China for the third time. I just could not continue living the life of hell in NK. This time I succeeded and ended up working in a paper factory in Wang Chung. But again I was deported back to NK after being found out by the Chinese Secret Police.
This time I was sentenced to spend 2 years in a North Korean federal prison where people usually don’t make it out alive. After reading Dr. Victor Frankle’s book on Nazi concentration camps I have found the best depiction for North Korea, Nazi Concentration Camp for 21st Century.
On the average, seven to eight people died daily in that federal prison. Instead of being taken to see a physician, the sick were deserted in dirty bathrooms without receiving any proper care. These people were literally left there to die and they did.
I was determined to survive while I stayed in that prison. I ate anything I could find, whether dead or alive; frogs, snakes, weeds, etc. I could clearly remember how sweet the kernel of corn I found in feces tasted. Acquiring food to survive was not the only daily challenge I had to meet in the federal prison. I also had to endure the unbearable infestation of fleas every night. This truly was the life of the lowest form possible, not intended for human.
It is during this time I learned that people commit suicide because they don’t have hope, not because they don’t have food. I was only able to survive this hell on earth because China was my hope to run to.
After serving the 2 year sentence, I spent the next five years under the strict surveillance of the NK authorities. In addition, I had become a laughing stock to my family and friends, who turned their backs on me. I was no longer considered as an esteemed member of the society that I once was. Multiple attempts of defection from North Korea and prison sentences verified that I was to be out casted and to be constantly monitored for. There was nothing that I could do in my power to earn the respect and trust of others.
I no longer wish to live such a life in NK. From dawn to midnight I would toil away just to earn a handful of rice under the microscopic surveillance of my supervisor, who was too well informed of my history. I confided in one of my friends about the plans of leaving to China. It turned out to be a terrible mistake because she later turned me in to the police. I was once again forced to cross the river and this time before the river was frozen. As I was facing the river and the possible death, I somehow remembered God. “If you allow me to cross the river safely, I will never deny you again” I prayed. And on December 31, 2010, I was able to walk across the border by passing the guard post without getting caught.
But again, I put the desperate prayer and God on the back burner once I got to China. And after realizing that life in China was also unsafe, I searched for ways to move to South Korea. Finally I found a missionary couple, which helped me move to Dan Dong.
I stayed with the missionary couple for 3 months and met Christ as my savior through them. This was also where I initially experienced a little bit of God’s love as I lived with 13 other people. Moreover, I had begun reading the bible again as I moved from China to Laos to finally South Korea.
I saw my mother who helped me run away under the watchful eyes of my siblings in Rebekah who arranged Jacob to run away from Esau’s wrath. When I read about Joseph who helped his brothers in need despite the fact that they were the ones who sold him into slavery, I cried in a realization that in God’s sovereign plan I also was sent away from my family to help deliver them from their sufferings.
Yet again, even after experiencing such divine interventions and realization, I enrolled in a mechanical engineering program, instead of enrolling into a seminary as originally intended. I was still attending a church and trying to live a Godly life. But I couldn’t even lift a prayer up when the competition at school was so fierce against such talented Korean youths. Studying became a war for me to survive. Exams after exams to obtain multiple licenses were the insurmountable fortresses I needed to conquer.
It was in Graceland that I experience the love of God wholeheartedly. It was also there that I realize that I must give my life to God in its entirety to answer His calling for me.
The only reason I remain as a survivor was in His sovereign plan. Even at the times that I had forgotten about His grace, God was there with me in every step of the way.
In Graceland I was proud to be God’s child. I was dining at His banqueting table served with abundant love only possible in Christ. I felt the overwhelming love of God in the form of service provided by the team members. I cried with joy as I received this extravagant love of my father in Graceland. On my knees I repented and dedicated myself to be the salt and the light of this world for Him. Yet again and again I find myself not being able to carry the light of His love, even at church.
It’s been excruciatingly painful to try to love someone that I simply cannot. I’ve been without Christ longer than I’ve been with Him. Everything that makes who I am such as my experience, habits, thoughts, and feelings did not suddenly disappear from the moment I accepted Christ as my savior. It is a continuous process that requires perseverance, training, and practice to change to be His follower. It has not been easy trying to crucify myself in following Christ’s example.
But it is by His grace that I am changing as I come before Him in daily prayer. I also am so fortunate to have found a group of brothers and sisters in Christ who has been a great encouragement to me. Furthermore, God has allowed me to experience the Holy Spirit and showed me visions. He also has called me to study theology in graduate school. I am experiencing God the Father who is intimately involved in my daily walk. And in Him I am learning to place all my hope and trust.
Walking with God is not a fairy tale. It is a continuous spiritual battle. I have also learned that if I do not diligently eat my daily spiritual food or lift up prayers rooted in my own emotions, I certainly will not win this battle.
I saw that the sacrifices of the North Koreans who broke their bottles of perfume by crossing the borders was indeed in God’s sovereign plan to deliver North Korea. I thank God for calling those of us into evangelizing North Korean in His name. I also am very thankful for all God’s children in Korea and everywhere else in the world.
[최선을 다해 번역으로 수고하신 은혜동산 2기 팀멤버 Jenny 전 집사님께 진심으로 감사드립니다]
이 간증은 팀멤버나 기도후원자들의 새터민에 대한 이해를 돕고, 더 많은분들이 은혜동산 사역에 동참할 수 있도록 하기위해 올렸으며 간증자의 신분보호를 위해 실명을 밝히지 않았습니다.
저는 북한에서 사회주의 경제가 장성하던 천리마 대고조 시기에 태어나 전쟁의 시련도 겪어보지 못하고 북한체제의 우물속에서 당의 사랑과 배려를 생의 젖줄기로 알고 자라나 11년제 의무교육을 마치고 대학까지 졸업하고 설계원으로 사회생활을 하며 나름대로 의미있게 살았습니다.
독재정권의 산물로 300만의 아사를 가져왔던 시기는 제가 24살 되던 해였습니다. 자급자족을 모르고 배급만 매달려 살던 인민들은 갑자기 들이닥친 식량난으로 인하여 거리마다 시체가 있었고, 공장에서 일하다가 현장에서 숨지는 사람들이 빈번히 늘어났던 것입니다.
저는 일주일만 굶으면 사람이 죽는다는 것을 목격하였습니다. 생계를 위하여 토끼 염소 돼지가 먹는 풀은 다 뜯어먹었고, 강냉이 뿌리를 캐서 먹는것을 공장에서 시범방식상학을 하는가 하면, 심지어 함흥에서는 사람고기를 팔아먹는 일도 있었습니다. 어떤 사람은 돐이 지난 갓난애를 두고 식량을 구입하러 간 사이에 애기 아빠가 정신이상으로 허상이 생겨 제 새끼를 잡아먹고 정신을 차리고 보니 그제서야 자기가 아들을 잡아먹은것을 알고 법기관에 자수하고 교화소로 가는... 참으로 상상도 할 수 없는 21세기의 아사 동사가 연이어 일어났습니다.
국가배급에 매달려 살던 저도 갑자기 끊긴 배급으로 어찌할 도리가 없어 친척집에 가면 문전박대 당하고 굶어서 기력이 없는 어머니와 동생을 어떻게 먹여살릴 길이 없었습니다. 아버지가 살아계실때는 그래도 살았는데 99년도에 아버지마저 허약으로 돌아가시니 눈앞이 캄캄하였습니다.
도강이라고 말은 쉽지만 정말로 <죽지 않으면 살겠지> 하는 마음으로 도강하였습니다. 직장을 그만두고 언사과 배낭을 나르다가 온성 삼봉에서 우연히 중국에 가면 돈을 벌수있다는 말에 도강을 결심하였습니다.
그러나 중국에서 저를 맞이한것은 인신매매꾼이었고, 저는 그사람을 따라 내몽골에 팔려가게 되었습니다. 운명이었는지 우연히 북한에서 넘어온 같은 탈북자의 도움으로 로상에서 탈출하여 왕청에 정착하게 되었습니다. 우리는 아무런 보상도 없이 안전하다는 이유 하나로 과수원과 논밭을 관리하면서 6개월을 살았지만 제나라가 아닌 타국에서의 떠돌이 설음은 하루한시도 떠나지 않았고 불안감으로 도저히 살수가 없었습니다.
우리가 교회를 찾아가니 돈 20원을 주고, 그래도 세집과 살림도구를 해결해 주었습니다. 3개월간 살다가 연길에서 호구조사 북한사람 색출운동이 너무 심하여 우리는 9월에 흑룡강성 녕안에 들어가 통독반으로 안내되었습니다.
저는 그 때 눈물로 통곡하고 회개하는 같은 동포들을 보면서 어리둥절하였고, 차츰 성경통독을 하고 새벽기도를 따라다니며 하나님을 알게되었으나 돈을 벌어 집으로 가고싶은 생각이 더 간절하여 그곳에서 나와서 돈을 벌어보려고 길림으로 가게 되었습니다.
2002년 7월 25일, 한달도 못되어 우리는 중국공안에 잡혀서 북송되었습니다. 도문변방대, 온성보위부, 단련대, 도집결소를 거쳐 3개월만에 집으로 왔습니다. 그동안 상상도 할 수 없었던 고난끝에 집으로 왔지만 생활은 여전히 한끼를 먹으면 다음끼를 걱정해야 하는 형편이었습니다.
3일을 눕고나니 더 누워있을수가 없었고, 또다시 도강의 길을 갈 수 밖에 없었습니다. 그런데 이번에는 길안내자가 보위부 스파이였고, 저는 집을 떠나자마자 청진 라남구역 구류장에 갇혔고, 한달간 취조를 받고 로동단련대 6개월 형기를 받았습니다.
인간으로써 상상할수도 없는 취급을 받으면서 오직 도강할 생각밖에 없었습니다. 2003년 11월 6일, 3차 도강에 성공하여 왕청 동강에서 종이공장에 취직하여 일하게 되었으나 중국사람을 싫다고 한 이유로 또다시 중국공안에 고발되었고, 죽어도 오기 싫었던 고향으로 귀향하였습니다.
저는 이번만은 용서받을수 없었고, 증산 11호 교화 2년을 받게 되었습니다. 짐승우리 같은 강제수용소에서 2년은 죽으라고 보내는 것이나 마찬가지므로 가족들도 살아오면 천만다행으로 여겼습니다. 저는 여기에 와서 2차대전 중 나치강제수용소를 3년만에 나온 빅토르 프랑클 정신과 의사의 책을 보면서 지금 북한은 21세기의 나치 강제수용소라고 말하고 싶습니다.
하루에 7~8명이 보통 죽어도 아무렇지 않은듯, 뼈만 앙상한 허약자를 병반에 가져갈 대신, 죽지도 않은 사람을 죽으라고 악취가 풍기는 변소바닥에 누운채로 지내고, 페니실린 한대만 맞으면 살 수 있건만 사전에 대책을 취하지 않아 그저 묵묵히 죽어야만 합니다.
그속에서 어떻게 하든지 살아나가야 한다는 생각으로 저는 먹을수 있는 풀은 다 뜯어먹었고, 논밭의 개구리 뱀도 산채로 잡아먹었고, 소똥속에 있는 강냉이 알의 맛이 얼마나 맛있던지 이건 사람이 아니라 개보다 더한 동물로 살았습니다.
저는 여기서 인간은 먹을것이 없어서 자살하는 것이 아니라 희망이 없으면 자살한다는 것을 깨달았습니다. 저는 살아서 나가면 또다시 갈 수 있는 중국이 있었기에 버틴것 같습니다. 배고픔도 어려웠지만, 밤마다 벼룩 빈대와 싸워야 하는 고통은 정말로 참기 어려웠고, 치가 떨리는 것이었습니다. 2005년 8월, 저는 교화소를 출소하여 집으로 왔지만 더욱더 막연해진 집현실에 살아서 돌아온것이 후회되었습니다. 우리집안에 상상도 할 수 없는 교화출소자라니 형제들도 집에오는걸 꺼려하였고, 이런 동생을 부끄러워 하였습니다.
그래도 어머니가 살아계시고, 라선시가 중국과 개방하여 경제가 많이 호전된지라 오빠와 형님들의 도움으로 5년간 북한에서 다시 안착되여 살게 되었습니다. 그러나 북송의 길과 감옥생활의 상처는 없어지지 않은 채 더욱더 심해졌습니다. 그렇게도 김일성 김정일의 옹호자였고 충실한 핵심성원이였던 제가 사회의 밑바닥 인생으로 굴러떨어지고, 나의 힘으로는 아무것도 할 수 없고 누구도 인정해주지 않는다는것을 실감하는 삶은 또다시 탈북의 길을 재촉했습니다.
날마다 보안서 보위부 감시속에서 살았고, 사회에 무시당하고 형제들에게 따돌림 당하고 살고 싶은 생각은 정말로 없었습니다. 그런데다가 인민반 동원 직장장의 편견... 아직도 아침부터 밤늦게까지 일해야 하루 쌀 1키로 벌려고 악전고투하며 살아간다는것이 너무나 어려웠습니다. 저는 친구에게 이렇게 살바엔 중국으로 가자고 하였고, 그 친구의 고발로 도강 시도가 로출되여 강도 얼지 않았는데 집을 나서게 되었습니다.
쏘련과 중국의 린접은 강폭이 넓고 깊어서 헤엄칠수가 없었습니다. 이래도 죽고 저래도 죽음의 수용소에 다시 가기보다는 낫다고 생각하고 자살용 독약을 품고 강에 들어섰습니다. 사람이 죽음을 앞에 두고보니 하나님이 생각났습니다. <오, 하나님 저를 불쌍히 여겨 길을 열어주시고 무사히 가게 해주시면 다시는 하나님을 부인하지 않겠습니다>하고 기도하면서 두달동안 숨어지내다가 2010년 12월 31일, 길도 아니 경계초소 앞으로 당당하게 건너올 수 있었습니다.
위험이 지나가니 또 하나님께 드린 기도를 다 잊고 지냈습니다. 저는 이제 중국에서는 살 수 없고, 반드시 한국루트를 찾느라고 애쓰던 끝에 선교사님을 만났고 그분의 도움으로 단동에 가게 되었습니다.
선교사 부부는 고아사역을 하고 있었는데, 북한에서 줏어먹고 천대받고 멸시당하던 아이들이 아니었습니다. 아이들은 선교사 부부를 아빠 엄마라 부르면서 최고급의 교육시설에 카로리 식사를 하고 있었고, 그 어지럽던 때를 말끔히 벗어버리고 있었습니다.
저는 여기서 3개월동안 같이 지내면서 10년전에 읽었던 성경을 다시 잡았고, 가장 위대한 예수님을 영접하였습니다. 저는 이 사역지에서 13명의 식구들과 공동체 생활을 하면서 하나님의 사랑을 조금씩 느꼈고, 라오스를 거쳐 대한민국에 오면서 줄곧 성경을 읽게 되었습니다.
저는 <에서의 눈을 피해 야곱을 피신시키는 리브가의 모습>에서 형제들의 눈을 피해 피난가라고 빼돌려 주시던 저희 어머니의 모습을 떠올렸습니다. 형제들의 시기로 은이십량에 억울하게 팔렸어도 어려운 시기에 형제들을 살리는 요셉의 모습을 통하여 어쩌면 하나님의 부르심이 여기에 있다고 생각했고, 불쌍한 내 형제를 살리려고 이렇게 저주와 원망속에 떠나왔는지도 모른다는 생각으로 목놓아 울던 밤도 있었습니다.
그렇지만 정착하여 신학을 하려는 생각은 접고, 그냥 콤퓨터 기계제작설계학원에 들어갔습니다. 나름대로 교회도 다니며 하나님을 잊지 않고 산다고 하지만 한번도 해보지 못한 컴퓨터 앞에서 20대의 한국청년들과 어깨를 나란히 하는 치열한 경쟁력은 기도도 할 수 없었습니다.
한달만에 선반기능사 머신센타 밀링기능사... 두달만에 산업기사 자격시험... 그야말로 공부가 전투였습니다. 그렇다고 옆사람도 꼬박꼬박 가르쳐 줄수가 없어 정신 스트레스가 온몸을 감쌌습니다.
저는 은혜동산을 통하여 성경에서 보았던 하나님의 사랑을 온몸으로 느낄수 있었고, 하나님의 부르심에 나의 삶을 드려야 한다는 것을 느꼈습니다.
죽음과 고통의 수많은 고비마다 수많은 사람들을 떠나보내면서 내가 살아남은 이유는 오직 하나님의 계획하심이 있었고, 내가 주님을 잊고 살아가던 그 순간마다에서 주님이 함께 동행하셨음을 깨달았습니다.
저는 은혜동산에서 하나님의 자녀된 긍지를 느꼈고, 왕자의 식탁을 받아 안았고, 날마다 주시는 봉사자들의 헌신을 통해 하나님의 사랑을 피부로 경험하였으며 눈물을 펑펑 쏟으며 그사랑을 받았습니다. 그러나 무릅끓고 회개하고 세상의 빛과 소금이 되리라고 다짐했지만, 교회라는 자그마한 공동체 안에서 조차도 자신이 받은 그 사랑을 실천하기에는 너무나 먼 거리에 있는 자신을 발견하곤 합니다.
사랑하고 싶지 않은 자매를 사랑한다고 말하며 행동하는 것은 한두번의 위선으로 가능하지만 장시간 하는것은 고통의 시간입니다. 주님을 모르는 세계에서 살았던 지난날이 지금보다 훨씬 길었고, 그곳에서 익혀왔던 나의 경험과 판단의 습관 그리고 인간적인 방식들을 하루아침에 내려놓는다고 결단해서 되는일이 아니며 끊임없는 인내와 연단, 연습을 필요로 했기에 스스로 자신에게 채찍의 무기를 든다는 것은... 스스로 자신의 상처를 도려낸다는 것은 참으로 어려운 일입니다.
다행히도 저는 형제 자매님들과 목사님과 사모님 전도사님들의 따뜻한 배려속에서 매일 매일 기도의 삶으로 자신을 조금씩 변화시켜가고 있으며 하나님께서는 저의 기도하는 모습을 보시고 성령의 은사도 체험하게 하시고 환상을 보여주셨으며 신학대학원으로 추천하셨습니다. 참으로 저는 하늘에 계시는 나의 아버지가 아니라 내 삶에 함계 하시는 나의 아버지를 경험하고 신뢰하고 있습니다.
신앙생활은 화려한 꽃밭길을 걷는 삶이 아니라 끊임없는 영적전쟁이며 영의 양식을 하루라고 먹지 않고 자기 감정에 뿌리를 둔 기도를 한다면 화약이 없는 공포탄을 쏘는것과 마찬가지라는 것을 깨달았습니다.
저는 자신들의 귀한 옥합을 깨뜨려 저와 같이 살길을 찾아 압록강 두만강을 건너 장백의 이골짝 저골짝에서 생사귀로의 운명에 처해있는 영혼들을 구원하고 그들을 위해 바치는 하나님의 사람들을 체험하고 목격하면서 북한 복음화 사명을 주신 하나님께 감사했으며, 대한민국과 세계 각처에 있는 하나님의 사람들에게 진심으로 감사를 드립니다.
I was born and raised in North Korea during the period in which the country was burgeoning with economic stability. I was proud to be one of the finest products of the North Korean Communist regime. My lifeline solely consists of Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, and the Communist Party. After completing 11 years of the required general education, I received a bachelor’s degree in engineering and was living what I thought was a pretty meaningful life.
However, my life in the bubble came crashing down when I became 24 years old. North Koreans never had an opportunity to explore what self-reliance and autonomy meant; everything we owned were provided for us in the form of ration by the government. When the drought hit the country so hard that food was virtually nonexistent, death overcame North Korea.
I witnessed how people died after suffering starvation for just one week. People ate everything they could put their hands on including human meat and what used be animal feeds. Government sponsored demonstrations of how to extract corn roots for food were offered in factories. In Ham Heung human meat was put out on the market. In one incident while a woman went out to fetch some food for her family, her husband had killed their one-year old child for hunger. It was concluded that he was hallucinated, which was caused by extreme hunger and therefore did not know what he was doing at the time of such a hideous crime. After the man recovered and realized what he had done he turned himself into the authorities. Tragically such news often surfaced and had become a nuisance.
I also was forced to look for extreme measures to survive, not only for myself but also for my mother and my siblings. Government rations were suddenly halted. We had no other source of food available to us. Ultimately this prolonged period of treacherous droughts and starvation also took the life of my dear father in 1999.
Leaving my motherland to China was much easier said than done. However, deep in my heart I knew that I would die either way, whether starving to death or from getting caught on my way to China.
But what actually were waiting for me in China instead was human traffickers, ready to exploit vulnerable North Korean refugees such as myself. Initially I was transported to a remote village in Inner Mongolia. Fortunately from there I met another NK refugee with whom I was able to run away to Wang Chung. We ended up working in a farm without any compensation for six months and but could not last much longer. Every waking moment, we suffered from the discrimination from the natives and the anxiety from being fugitives.
In the midst of all this we found a church in Yun Gil. They provided us with money, a new place to live, and basic necessities to start a new life. We stayed there for 3 months but had to move again to Heilongjiang Province due to a heightened security against NK refugees in that area.
In Heilongjiang Province we enrolled in a bible reading class. When I saw other NK refugees who were repenting in tears, I did not understand what was happening to them. Here I learned about God by participating in bible reading and attending the morning services.
But my desire to return home with money for my family was much greater than the desire to stay and continue learning about God. Therefore I decided to leave Heilongjiang Province to Gil Rim with a single goal in mind: to make money. But only after a month later on July 25th, 2002, I was caught by the Chinese Secret Police and was deported back to NK. After being detained, interrogated, and re-educated for 3 months by the NK authorities, I was able to finally go home to my mother and my siblings. But what was more devastating than the nightmare I just woke up from was the reality that my family was still struggling to put each meal on the table.
After three days, I simply could not stay in bed any longer. This detrimental life in NK forced me to flee to China once again. Unfortunately, the guide was an undercover police for my second attempt to reach China. I was immediately detained in Gu Ryu Prison for 1 month of interrogation and was then sentenced for 6 months of prison time.
In November 6th 2003 I fled to China for the third time. I just could not continue living the life of hell in NK. This time I succeeded and ended up working in a paper factory in Wang Chung. But again I was deported back to NK after being found out by the Chinese Secret Police.
This time I was sentenced to spend 2 years in a North Korean federal prison where people usually don’t make it out alive. After reading Dr. Victor Frankle’s book on Nazi concentration camps I have found the best depiction for North Korea, Nazi Concentration Camp for 21st Century.
On the average, seven to eight people died daily in that federal prison. Instead of being taken to see a physician, the sick were deserted in dirty bathrooms without receiving any proper care. These people were literally left there to die and they did.
I was determined to survive while I stayed in that prison. I ate anything I could find, whether dead or alive; frogs, snakes, weeds, etc. I could clearly remember how sweet the kernel of corn I found in feces tasted. Acquiring food to survive was not the only daily challenge I had to meet in the federal prison. I also had to endure the unbearable infestation of fleas every night. This truly was the life of the lowest form possible, not intended for human.
It is during this time I learned that people commit suicide because they don’t have hope, not because they don’t have food. I was only able to survive this hell on earth because China was my hope to run to.
After serving the 2 year sentence, I spent the next five years under the strict surveillance of the NK authorities. In addition, I had become a laughing stock to my family and friends, who turned their backs on me. I was no longer considered as an esteemed member of the society that I once was. Multiple attempts of defection from North Korea and prison sentences verified that I was to be out casted and to be constantly monitored for. There was nothing that I could do in my power to earn the respect and trust of others.
I no longer wish to live such a life in NK. From dawn to midnight I would toil away just to earn a handful of rice under the microscopic surveillance of my supervisor, who was too well informed of my history. I confided in one of my friends about the plans of leaving to China. It turned out to be a terrible mistake because she later turned me in to the police. I was once again forced to cross the river and this time before the river was frozen. As I was facing the river and the possible death, I somehow remembered God. “If you allow me to cross the river safely, I will never deny you again” I prayed. And on December 31, 2010, I was able to walk across the border by passing the guard post without getting caught.
But again, I put the desperate prayer and God on the back burner once I got to China. And after realizing that life in China was also unsafe, I searched for ways to move to South Korea. Finally I found a missionary couple, which helped me move to Dan Dong.
I stayed with the missionary couple for 3 months and met Christ as my savior through them. This was also where I initially experienced a little bit of God’s love as I lived with 13 other people. Moreover, I had begun reading the bible again as I moved from China to Laos to finally South Korea.
I saw my mother who helped me run away under the watchful eyes of my siblings in Rebekah who arranged Jacob to run away from Esau’s wrath. When I read about Joseph who helped his brothers in need despite the fact that they were the ones who sold him into slavery, I cried in a realization that in God’s sovereign plan I also was sent away from my family to help deliver them from their sufferings.
Yet again, even after experiencing such divine interventions and realization, I enrolled in a mechanical engineering program, instead of enrolling into a seminary as originally intended. I was still attending a church and trying to live a Godly life. But I couldn’t even lift a prayer up when the competition at school was so fierce against such talented Korean youths. Studying became a war for me to survive. Exams after exams to obtain multiple licenses were the insurmountable fortresses I needed to conquer.
It was in Graceland that I experience the love of God wholeheartedly. It was also there that I realize that I must give my life to God in its entirety to answer His calling for me.
The only reason I remain as a survivor was in His sovereign plan. Even at the times that I had forgotten about His grace, God was there with me in every step of the way.
In Graceland I was proud to be God’s child. I was dining at His banqueting table served with abundant love only possible in Christ. I felt the overwhelming love of God in the form of service provided by the team members. I cried with joy as I received this extravagant love of my father in Graceland. On my knees I repented and dedicated myself to be the salt and the light of this world for Him. Yet again and again I find myself not being able to carry the light of His love, even at church.
It’s been excruciatingly painful to try to love someone that I simply cannot. I’ve been without Christ longer than I’ve been with Him. Everything that makes who I am such as my experience, habits, thoughts, and feelings did not suddenly disappear from the moment I accepted Christ as my savior. It is a continuous process that requires perseverance, training, and practice to change to be His follower. It has not been easy trying to crucify myself in following Christ’s example.
But it is by His grace that I am changing as I come before Him in daily prayer. I also am so fortunate to have found a group of brothers and sisters in Christ who has been a great encouragement to me. Furthermore, God has allowed me to experience the Holy Spirit and showed me visions. He also has called me to study theology in graduate school. I am experiencing God the Father who is intimately involved in my daily walk. And in Him I am learning to place all my hope and trust.
Walking with God is not a fairy tale. It is a continuous spiritual battle. I have also learned that if I do not diligently eat my daily spiritual food or lift up prayers rooted in my own emotions, I certainly will not win this battle.
I saw that the sacrifices of the North Koreans who broke their bottles of perfume by crossing the borders was indeed in God’s sovereign plan to deliver North Korea. I thank God for calling those of us into evangelizing North Korean in His name. I also am very thankful for all God’s children in Korea and everywhere else in the world.
[최선을 다해 번역으로 수고하신 은혜동산 2기 팀멤버 Jenny 전 집사님
